A new city for my feet to find cracks in the sidewalk. In twenty-four hours I'll be hurtling through the air, speeding my way to San Francisco.
I feel predatory. Tightly wound. I need rough strong hands to hold me down, to tie me to this earth. And I wonder, do I have to return? Could I disappear in the masses, in a city where nobody knows my face?
All of that water will sing to me. Surrounded on all sides in a bay...It will be so hard for me not to throw myself off a ferry, or casually slip backwards into the water somewhere frothy and sharp.
I don't desire destruction, or pain. It's the water. It calls to me. If the moon was large and bloated I'd been done for. With the moon and the ocean singing to me, pulling at my bones and womb, it's an undeniable compulsion sometimes.
I used to jump off of these high high rocks as a teenager, all alone in the woods with the deep creek running a mile away, with it's waterfall and rounded smooth stones and strange red frogs. I would fling myself off, never being afraid once. Not even when I hit the ring of rocks below at times. I loved the cold. My lips would turn blue, and I would stretch out on the moss naked, and shiver. And no one ever asked about the bruises, since there were already ones fading from my father's hand.
