Let them down easy now, girl.

Does my name sound like it would make a pretty name for a slave? That's what all of this feels like. I went out, counted the days, was careful with my heart.
Chemistry is everything. Without it the person lying next to you could be as inconsequential as an old fish or a snowglobe, much less a quiet gentle man with hopeful eyes and eagerness that inexplicably turned my stomach. Lack of chemistry renders us powerless to love, no matter how worthy the subject.

Lying in my bed after he sadly penetrated me, him looking pleased; and I felt crestfallen and slightly disgusted. When he left in the morning I scrubbed his scent off of myself and my sheets, suppressing shudders.

My constant and trusted lover assures me I am worthy. And I am. But now that I am, I start to care less for love. And this other hapless male was impaled on the sharpened pole of my own self discovery. What a heartless cunt I can be.

I will have to sit with him soon. Looking at my nervous fingers, eyes sliding off of his after each 5 seconds. I'll let him down easy.

O LOVE! In all of thy forms thou twist and conquer. You wrap my heart in adimantuim, and then like a sparrow hitting a window, the impact of my indifference has come full circle, all broken and lifeless. 

I'm a good girl, I am.

I swallowed another little pill I was given last night, vividly picturing my doctor's concerned face. Her pretty but makeup-less face, the light brown eyes crinkled from her constant inspections of humans. I noticed her expensively woven clothing, Fair Trade produced undoubtedly.

I slept. I slept last night.
Dreams raging through my brain, things remembered that I wish could be forgotten. But I feel clear, and like things are less granular. I feel stable, like a little robotic thing. Beep beep boop I took the pill.

Will it kill what I like most about myself? Will I still sing and write and coax sounds out of my instuments? Hello Lovely, let's try this again.

-I wanted to because I feel, that nothing else would be as real. You love more than anything.... I lay down my life again.-

I shiver, trying to keep the last slithering swirls of my sanity in place. Everything recoils from me; and I turn into a room that only has funhouse mirrors in it. Distorted perceptions, deception.



I find a soft and blissful comfort in my purposeful ignorance. I can bear solitude. He cannot. 

Winter is coming...

Take me through the winter woods, walk and skip beside me.

Take me through the winter woods, the Skoggra shall abide me.

Take me through the winter woods, just hold my hand so tightly.